Put my money where my mouth is

On my one-year anniversary of moving to Charlotte, I reflected on how I'd changed during my year of being a housewife in Charlotte. In that post, I noted that my priorities had shifted and that I didn't think I'd ever move again to benefit my career unless I was certain my husband would benefit as well. I've told my husband something similar many times, and have also told him that if an amazing career opportunity presents itself to him and we have to move again, I will support him 100% and follow him wherever he goes.

Well, it may be time to put my money where my mouth is.

I have not been offered a job anywhere else, but I did just start a job in Charlotte. My husband, on the other hand, was offered a job in Wisconsin where we used to live. It's an exciting opportunity for him, and one that seems to be a natural fit for his skills and experience and personality. I couldn't be happier for him or more proud of him.

It couldn't be worse timing for me.

As I mentioned before, my job isn't my dream job, or even especially challenging. It is a job, however, and I like what I'm doing. And I'm very good at it. The thought of leaving my job after just a few weeks, of starting the job hunting process over again, of potentially being a housewife again ... it's a little overwhelming. I'm not sure that I want to do it again.

And I hate snow. It was 60 degrees here on Wednesday. I doubt that will happen in January in Wisconsin.

My husband is not happy in his job here, and I don't blame him. He's taken quite a few hits and he's frankly outgrown his job. He deserves better and he's earned the opportunity that he's been offered in Wisconsin. Even if we decide to stay in Charlotte, I doubt he'll stay at his company. I don't want him to stay there. But that opens up a door of even more unknowns because we don't know when he'll find something new and if he'll even like it if he does.

But I just started my job.

But we would be closer to family and friends which is very appealing.

But I love Charlotte. There I said it. I love Charlotte. Charlotte has been good for me. Granted, this may all change now that I'm not strictly a housewife, but thus far, I'm still enjoying my life in Charlotte.

I don't know what it will be like in Wisconsin this time around. I don't know if I'll have a job, or if I'll be satisfied being a housewife in Wisconsin until I can find a job. I know I won't have my country club, but I will have other things that I don't have here, like my family and friend's houses to go visit instead.

My husband and I have a lot to think about and talk about this weekend.

Why I'll never join Weight Watchers

My sister-in-law joined Weight Watchers and is having great success on the program. In six weeks, she's lost 26 pounds. How do I know this? She told me. Every five seconds. For three days straight.

My sister-in-law is diabetic, so losing weight is a big deal for her. She's been able to avoid insulin, and reduced the amount of medications signficantly. I'm very happy for her, and I told her that. I thought that would be the end of the conversation.

Oh how wrong I was.

At dinner, she told me the news. Later on in the dinner, she told me she was cold because she's lost 26 pounds. Still later, for no reason that I can ascertain, she told me again. Later, after we'd made our plans for the following day, she realized she had to change the plans because she had a meeting she'd forgotten about - she was doing Weight Watchers and she had to go to a meeting, and her normal meeting fell on Christmas so she had to find a new meeting. And she had to go to the meeting because she's lost 26 pounds already and reduced her medications.

In case she hadn't already mentioned it.

The next day, we had to scrap our original plans to accomodate her meeting (I was fine with that). We had drama to deal with trying to coordinate everyone's schedules and preferences, namely from my mother-in-law, and made a new plan and then headed out to lunch together. And then came the menu selection and determination of number of points of each entree - because my sister-in-law was doing Weight Watchers, the new plan that Jennifer Hudson followed to lose her weight, and she'd already lost 26 pounds in six weeks. Then we went shopping, and she was trying to find new clothes because nothing fit because guess what? She lost 26 pounds in six weeks doing Weight Watchers.

I think Weight Watchers is a cult.

I don't know if it's the commercials or the meetings, but this seems to be a common thread for anybody I've known who has done Weight Watchers (or really followed any specific weight loss plan that is working). They talk about it constantly, and want everybody around them to know that A) they've joined Weight Watchers, and B) how much weight they've lost as a result of their participation in the cult. The constant need to share and talk about food and exercise and points and their program concerns me. Being conscious of what you're eating is one thing - obsessing about it is completely different.

Plus, I really don't care.

I don't tell people I don't care - at least not to their faces. I'm happy for people who set a goal and obtain it, I really am, and I will tell them that I am. But I won't ask for details, and I generally won't reciprocate with my own story. I will occassionally share if I think it's important to a story I'm going to tell, such as stories of gym whores knocking out the power on my treadmill or, more likely, because I want to complain. But generally speaking, I don't like to talk about exercising (because I hate it) or a weight loss journey (because I'm not on one). To me, asking about that stuff is like asking if I shaved my legs today (no, I didn't and they're very hairy. Aren't you glad you asked?). It's a task to be checked off, but does not need to be discussed regularly. And it's none of anyone else's business to ask. I'll share if I want. Otherwise, back off.

I'm pretty sure I feel this way because of my social work background, and the time I've spent around people with eating disorders and addictions. I'm sensitive to the relationships people have with food and exercise and counting calories, and I worry about people who display obsessive thought patterns about the topic. It's not healthy to think about food and exercise constantly - it's not healthy to think about any one thing constantly. And I distinctly remember that group therapy for eating disorders can be dangerous, especially for young women, because the group members sometimes try to one-up each other on who consumed the fewest calories or exercised the longest. It's a slippery slope from support to competition, which only exacerbates the overwhelming desire for control and perfection that is commonly exhibited by people with eating disorders. So the more someone wants to talk about exercise or food or weight loss, the more I suspect all is not well.

I am the opposite of what most health and fitness experts (or just random people who write about health and fitness) say: I don't want your support. I don't want to share my goals. I don't want to be held accountable. The more you ask, the less motivated I become. In fact, I'll think you're nosy. And I'll assume you're projecting your own issues on me, and I'll probably diagnose you with an eating disorder.

So I highly doubt you'll ever see me at a Weight Watchers meeting. But congratulations if it's working for you. Just please don't tell me about it.

Sadness wrapped in gibberish

Tonight my husband and I went with his parents and sister to the Jim Brickman Holiday Concert. It was fabulous. It was a great mix of holiday music, romantic hits, and audience interaction. At least I thought so.

I have so much I want to say about the concert, and the range of emotions I felt listening to the beautiful music and lyrics, but as I sit at the computer and type, everything is clouded by an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

I want to share why I'm feeling this way, but even as I'm sitting here thinking about it, it's only making me sadder. I feel like if I blog the details, I'm going to fixate on it. And if I ever re-read the post, I'm going to remember how awful I feel right now and I don't want to remember this feeling.

So I know this a post of gibberish and not much else, but I just felt like I needed to say ... something. Hopefully a good night's sleep will be the remedy to all that ails me.

What I'm reading: On Strike for Christmas

I read On Strike for Christmas last year, but I decided to read it again after I saw the Lifetime movie based on this book.

I picked this book up for some fun, easy holiday reading for the airplane last year, and it definitely fit the bill. The premise of the book is just what the title suggests - women of the small town of Holly go on strike at Christmas because they feel unappreciated by their husbands and families, overwhelmed by the holiday preparations, and/or misunderstood by their husbands.

Each woman has a different reason for going on strike, and each husband has a different approach for handling the strike. For example, Joy wants to show her husband Bob, or Bob Humbug as she calls him, how sad and lonely Christmas would be if they did things his way. Laura wishes her husband Glen would understand how difficult it is to do everything by herself at Christmas and hopes that by making him do it all by himself, he'll appreciate how challenging it is and help her in the future. Of course, not every woman goes on strike. For example, Carol's husband and son died, and resents the women for not appreciating how lucky they are to have family to celebrate with this year. Jerri is undergoing chemotherapy and desperately wants to give her family a memorable Christmas, but simply doesn't have the strength to do anything.

The story unfolds as these women experience the holidays via their husbands' hapless and sometimes vengeful execution, and they share these experiences with each other. The women and the men learn about what is important to them, and both sexes learn they need to make compromises around the holidays. The story wraps up quite nicely, but perhaps a little too conveniently. However, Roberts' writing flows easily and allows for a quick read, and the story is relatable and funny.

Re-reading the book this year made me think a little bit about our Christmas drama, and my own need to do things "just so" around the holidays. I love the way my family celebrates Christmas, and I sometimes feel like I've forced my type of family Christmas on my husband, though he doesn't seem to mind and actually seems to enjoy it. Still, I was reminded that everything doesn't have to be done my way, and that holidays after marriage involve a great deal of compromise, but it's also my love and care that truly make Christmas special.

Happy St. Nick's Day

Do you celebrate St. Nick's Day? I've met people from different religions, ethnicities, and geographical areas who celebrate St. Nick's Day, all in a similar way, but I know it's not a universally recognized holiday.

Perhaps because my family is from Milwaukee (a city of strong German heritage), or maybe because we're Catholic, or maybe because we're of Eastern European descent, or maybe it's a combination of all three, but my family has always celebrated St. Nick's Day. We leave out our shoes or stockings on the night of December 5th and awake with our shoes or stocking filled with treats on December 6th. Based on stories from friends and family, this is a fairly common way to celebrate St. Nick's Day (in the United States).

Even if you're not familiar with the history of St. Nick, you probably are familiar with his most famous derivative - Santa Claus. But the real Saint Nicholas was a raised by wealthy parents who died while Nicholas was still young. He dedicated his life to Jesus, became a bishop, and used his inheritance to help the needy. There are many stories about him - that he rescued a young boy who had been kidnapped and the boy was returned to his family on December 6th; that he tossed gold through windows that landed in the shoes of poor, young girls and this money was used as a dowry so they could marry instead of being sold into slavery; that he entered homes in the middle of the night and left fruit, candy, and/or small toys for poor children. These stories built his legend, and his generosity and good deeds are celebrated and honored by sharing candies and small gifts on his feast day. In parts of Europe, St. Nicholas day includes dressing as bishops and begging from neighbors (kind of like trick or treating in the US, but for money for the poor). Of course, some believe kids now keep the money for themselves but let's not ruin the nice story with cynicism.
At least not today.

Like I said, my family celebrated with treats in our shoes or stockings. When we lived nearby, my Grandma also gave us a stocking. After we moved away, my Grandmother sent us a gift, and often that gift was an ornament. She would go to Hallmark in October when the ornaments were released, or hit up the craft fairs throughout the year to find the perfect ornaments for each of her grandchildren. My one male cousin (on that side of the family) received a classic car every year since he turned sixteen, and even after my grandma passed away, my aunt (not his mom) gave him one last car ornament because it was the last in the series, and my grandma had told my aunt that she wanted to finish the series for him. Grandma listened to what we were interested in, and always tried to find ornaments that reflected our interests at that time in our lives.

My ornament collection from my grandma is very reflective of who I was growing up - softball players, Olympic medals, violins, and roller blades. These are all incredibly special to me, and remind me of my Grandma every year when I put them on the tree. Perhaps the most special to me are the last ornaments she gave me, weeks before she passed away.

My grandma was in the hospital that Christmas, so imagine my surprise when I, as a second year graduate student, arrived at my parent's home on Christmas with my fiance to find a gift from my Grandmother that contained an entire set of Sesame Street characters. I immediately burst into tears, and sobbed, "I can't believe she remembered."

Months earlier, my Grandma had asked me if I collected any ornaments. In retrospect, I think she was asking because she had forgotten whether she got me a series every year, like she did for some of my cousins. I told her I didn't collect any, but that I wanted to collect all the Sesame Street characters. My high school class mascot was Elmo (just for our class, not the school), and I had collected a few Elmos through the years. (In fact, my nephew and then my niece have both cuddled with one of my Elmos, and I'm pretty sure they think he is theirs - he's not and I want him back!). Aside from Elmo, I had great memories of watching Christmas Eve on Sesame Street as a kid, so Sesame Street always had a special place in my heart. When I told her that I'd always wanted the Sesame Street characters, I had no idea she would remember or even think about getting them for me.

My Sesame Street characters have not faired so well over the years - poor Burt has a broken nose - but my husband doesn't even suggest that we toss him out. He knows how important the whole set is to me, and he'd never ask me to give them up, broken pieces and all.

This is the reason I have continued this tradition, passed down from my Grandma. I've always bought ornaments for my husband and me every year, but now I also get ornaments for my family too. It started with just my nephew, but then grew to include an ornament for everyone - something special that reminds me of that person or couple. There have been Star Wars, engagement rings, Starbucks cups, gym bags, cell phones, and Packers ornaments, Batman, ballet slippers, baking tools, Peanuts characters, and Sportscenter Santas. Each special, each representing the receiver.

I'm sure giving ornaments isn't exactly what St. Nick had in mind, but I believe the spirit of St. Nicholas is alive every time I find a perfect ornament to give to my family - a small gift given to show them that they are loved very much.

Christmas Gift Idea 1: Personalized glasses

It's two weeks to Black Friday Eve - also known as Thanksgiving - which means it's the time of year when people start searching for the "perfect gift." I don't always find the perfect gift, but think I've done a pretty good job of finding or making creative and unique gifts. Over the next few weeks, I thought I'd share a few of the favorite gifts I've given or received over the years - some bought, some homemade, some semi-homemade.

Here's the back story: My family has a habit of designating a water glass for use throughout the day. We'll fill up a glass of water early in the day and continue to use it throughout the day, and then put it in the dishwasher at night. This habit works well when we are at our own homes. I have no problem keeping track of my glass when it's just my husband and me. However, when we go to my parents' house, we often play a game of "Is this my glass or your glass?" We forget where we left our glass, or sometimes pick up someone else's glass. In the end, we seem to go through a lot of drinking glasses because we can never find our designated drinking glass.

A few years ago, my parents asked for new glasses. They'd broken a bunch and just needed some new ones. So my sisters and I gave my parents glasses for Christmas, but we added a unique touch - we had our names etched on them. Now when we visit my parents, we each have our own glass and it's easy to keep track of our water glasses.

How we did it: We bought a set of twelve glasses and had eight of them etched with "Mom" and "Dad" and each of our first names (I believe we took them to Things Remembered). At the time, only two of the daughters were married and the grandkids weren't old enough to use glasses. When another sister got married, we took an unetched glass from my parents' cabinet and brought it back to the store to have our new brother-in-law's name etched on it. In fact, one of the first things he said at the brunch on the day after his wedding was, "I want a glass with my name on it!" We proudly presented it to him. As our family grows, we will add names to the remaining three glasses and buy additional glasses if we need more.

I have to give credit to my older sister for this idea. The glasses themselves are practical, but having our names on them has turned out to be practical in a completely different way. Plus, I like that I can go to my parents' house and still have something that is mine.

Love role models

We had more drama unfold yesterday with respect to our Christmas plans. There's nothing I can do about it, so I'm choosing to let it unfold how it will and trying to stay out of it. However, the drama got me thinking about marriage and relationships and how we learn to love.

I had good role models for relationships. They weren't perfect by any means, and as I became an adult I learned how imperfect they really were, but from my child and adolescent perspective I witnessed good examples of how to love and be in love. I learned about support, devotion, forgiveness, romance, sacrifice, laughter, affection, and commitment. I also learned the importance of partnerships and of continuing to date my husband after marriage. Most of all, I learned to never take love for granted  and to continually work on my relationship and my marriage.

I feel incredibly lucky that when the time was right for me to fall in love, I knew how to love and was capable of loving someone. I certainly wasn't perfect and I'm still not, but I knew how to open my heart to someone else, become vulnerable, and give myself to another person. I learned that from watching my parents and grandparents, and from being loved by my friends and my family.

Our most recent drama serves as a reminder to me that not everyone knows how to love unconditionally, and that being married for a long time doesn't always translate into being in love or knowing how to love. I hope that my husband and I can serve as love role models for our friends and family. Perhaps we can start with a couple who should've been role models for us.

Holiday not so fun

I feel like this is going to be a series, even though I hoped it wouldn't be. If you need to get caught up, go read this and this first.

The latest drama is this: my mother-in-law only bought four tickets to the Jim Brickman concert because my father-in-law is not going. Apparently my father-in-law didn't want to listen to a Jim Brickman CD so my mother-in-law decided he wouldn't appreciate the concert and therefore didn't buy him a ticket (or something like this - I'm getting this story third-hand so I'm a little fuzzy on the details). Now, as I mentioned, I believe my father-in-law would fall asleep a few songs into the concert, but in all fairness, he falls asleep at almost anything that happens after 7pm. In that way, it makes sense that he doesn't go with us to the concert.

Unfortunately, this isn't just about attending a concert. This is our Christmas present and part of our Christmas celebration. The reason we no longer do traditional gift-giving is so that we can spend time together, building memories as a family, and we supposedly all approve of the activity before plans are made. The decision to choose something that a) my father-in-law doesn't want to do and/or b) excludes a member of the family is the exact opposite of what we're trying to accomplish with these outings. Somehow the element of quality family time keeps getting lost in the planning.

When I heard this latest wrinkle in our holiday fun, I rolled my eyes and sighed. There's nothing I can do about it, and I'm not going to try. My husband is upset, and he's going to talk directly to his parents about this new situation, but I am going to stay out of it as much as possible. I know this isn't about Christmas anymore.

GO LUCY!!!

Just a quick shout out to my sister, who is running the Indianapolis Monumental Half-Marathon tomorrow! Never in a million years could I imagine running for 13+ miles, but this will be my sister's second time doing a half marathon. I admire her dedication to training and determination to do better in this race than her first. It's only a matter of time before she does her first marathon. Crazy girl. :)

GO LUCY!

(FYI - Lucy is not her real name, but that's what I call her. It's better if you don't ask why.)

Giuliana and Bill

Do you watch this show on the Style Network? It's my new favorite reality television show. I watched the first two seasons off and on, but I am hooked on the third season.

The first and second seasons focused on being newlyweds, adapting to their new living arrangements, building their house, etc., but also provided glimpses into their professional lives as well. The second season also touched on starting a family and difficulties getting pregnant, with Giuliana unsuccessfully undergoing IUI.

Thus far, the third season has focused on getting pregnant. Giuliana went through IVF and got pregnant! She and Bill bought their "family home in the suburbs" and began planning for life with kids, but then they suffered a miscarriage at eight weeks. That episode, and the one that followed, were just heartbreaking to me. Both Giuliana and Bill were hurting, but they expressed it in very different ways. Bill threw himself into working on the house, trying to be encouraging and positive, while Giuliana reached out to friends and saw a therapist to address her sadness. And I admit to tearing up a bit when she asked her therapist, "Why are we being punished?"

I think it's really brave of them to talk about infertility and miscarriage on television. They've said that they want to erase the stigma associated with miscarriage, and I hope they do. I know so many people who have gone through this horrible experience, and they've kept it private or have felt ashamed, but they're not alone. I hope that the show will help others in the same situation.

Christmas Flat Stanley

Are you familiar with Flat Stanley Projects? In short, the Flat Stanley project consists of character, Stanley, drawn on a piece of paper and then mailed to friends and family. The friends and family that receive Stanley then take pictures of Stanley having adventures in a new town, and create a brief log or journal of things that each friend did with Stanley. The Stanleys, the photos, and the journals were then sent back to the original sender and everything was compiled into a blog, website, or scrapbook.


My family decided to do a Christmas version of the Flat Stanley Project. My parents and each of my sisters (and their families) is getting a "Stanley." Each family will photograph their Stanley doing activities that help the family get into the Christmas Spirit. These photographs, along with a description of the activity and how it got the family in the Christmas spirit, will be posted to a private family blog. The idea behind this project is that through the sharing of pictures and stories, we'll still be connected during the holiday season despite being so far apart from one another. We also hope that by being intentional and reflective about activities that help us find our Christmas Spirit, and sharing our stories with each other, we will also help each other find Christmas Spirit.

Like I said, that blog is private but I'm sure I'll be cross posting some of my own adventures here, and I hope that my stories will help get you in the Christmas Spirit too!

Holiday fun revisited

I booked our flights home for Christmas! I am happy to have this task out of the way, and even happier that I didn't have to pay a zillion dollars for our flights. I checked on our flight options over the weekend, and they were ridiculously expensive which led to a mild panic attack on my part. But here's a little known travel tip - it's not only cheaper to fly on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but it's also cheaper to book flights on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The two tickets I booked tonight cost less than any of the options I found over the weekend for one  ticket. Phew. One less thing to stress about for the holidays.

We've also had some resolution about the Christmas trip with my husband's family. We are not going to take a vacation and will stay around Chicago. My husband proposed going to The Second City, but my in-laws didn't want to go "all the way to downtown." It's okay though, because they actually came up with another idea that I love! They suggested going to see Jim Brickman, who is playing at a theatre in my sister-in-law's town.

I love Jim Brickman. My husband and I went to a Jim Brickman concert in college, and our first dance at our wedding reception was to his song, "Love of My Life." I introduced my mom to his music, and bought her one of his Christmas CD's that we always listen to at my parents' house at Christmas. I have a lot of special associations to his music, and I'm thrilled to see him in concert again.

I don't know if my in-laws picked the concert because they also like Jim Brickman, or if they remember and recognize how special he is to us, or if it's just because it's close to home. I suspect it's the latter - they presented this option to us as "a holiday concert in Aurora" so I'm sure they don't know or remember that we love his music. It also might be a little awkward to share something so personal and so romantic with my in-laws, but hopefully they'll also enjoy the beautiful music. However, I fully expect my father-in-law to fall asleep about three songs into the concert, and for my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to respond with their standard "It was okay" when asked what they thought of the concert - because that is what they always respond, even though it drives me nuts that they can't muster enthusiasm for anything, especially something so special to me.

Besides, if I get to listen to this on Christmas Eve Eve, what do I care if they can't appreciate it? It's their loss.



But I really hope they do love the concert, that they understand why Jim Brickman is so special to my husband and me, and maybe, just maybe, they begin to understand us just a little bit more.

EDIT: The video doesn't seem to be loading 100% of the time, so you can also go here to see it.

"It's fun being married to me. I've decided."

I've known my husband for fourteen years, and we've been married for eight. We've experienced a lot during these years together, but the one constant amidst all the chaos in our lives has been laughter.

We laugh a lot.

We have serious moments of course, and we have a lot of moments where neither of us wants to talk to the other - not out of anger, but out of a need for quiet. But in between those moments, we're laughing.

My husband is incredibly funny, but also sees humor in a lot of situations. When he starts laughing, and I mean really laughing, it's impossible not to laugh with him. His laugh is loud - or boisterous as he prefers - and absolutely contagious. Movies are funnier, television is funnier, and life is funnier when he's around.

We make each other laugh too. My mere existence is funny to him at times - the way I sleep, how I brush my teeth, my facial expressions, etc. have all cracked him up at some point. Like I said, he sees humor in a lot of situations. But we also giggle through stupid conversations and jokes and teasing. I think it's because, after fourteen years, we know each other so well that we instinctively know what will amuse each other, and can instantly engage each other in a conversation that will lead to laughter. These conversations are rarely anything that another person would find funny, but they always remind me how lucky I am to be married to someone who can make me laugh.

We've dealt with some very stressful situations over the last couple of years, and I know I haven't always handled things in the best way. However, I know that our ability to laugh through the tears and joke through the pain is the reason our relationship has gotten stronger despite the adversity. Because really, laughter is the best medicine.

Holiday fun

I have Christmas on the brain. Yes, I know it's October.



I went to Hallmark this morning because the Keepsake Ornaments debuted this weekend, I picked up a few ornaments, along with a small piece for my Department 56 North Pole Series village. Yes, I know it's October (and a high of 85 degrees).


I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday by far, and I'm very attached to the traditions of Christmas. To me, Christmas symbolizes the celebration of family. In fact, the theme of my bridal shower was Christmas in July, and everyone brought me something for my husband and I to hang on our first Christmas tree - the celebration of the beginning of our new family.



As my family has grown and we've moved farther away from them, I've had to start planning for Christmas earlier. We all have to balance our own vacation schedules with our spouses, our siblings, and our in-laws, but my side of the family has always found a way for us all to be together for Christmas. For the last few years, our solution has been to gather at my parents' house in Illinois on Christmas Day.



Since moving to Charlotte, I've had to deal with a new aspect of holidays - flying. We'd always lived in driving distance before, and even though it was a pain and we had to make adjustments based on snow and ice conditions, we were always able to see our families with no problems. In fact, we even were able to take a trip to Mexico with my husband's family one year and still make it to see my family on Christmas Day.


Last year was our first year of flying home for the holidays. Our plan was to spend three days with my family and two and a half days with my husband's family. Our flight on the evening of December 23rd was cancelled, and we weren't able to fly until the morning of the 24th. It made for a somewhat hectic Christmas Eve because we had to drive to my parents' house that morning, which was two hours from the airport, but overall it worked out fine.


This year, however, is already shaping up to be a challenge. My husband's family proposed taking a trip this year. The trip was my husband's idea actually, but when he proposed it, he thought we'd go on vacation after Christmas as a way to recooperate from the holidays. However, due to my sister-in-law's vacation schedule, the proposed trip would happen from December 23rd until December 26th. From a logistical standpoint, this means that we'll be flying from Charlotte to our vacation destination, and then somehow getting to Illinois to see my family, before heading back to Charlotte.


My husband's family doesn't seem to understand why this is problematic for us. It seems that they don't recognize that this trip involves multiple destinations/flights for us, extra costs, and needing extra time to see both families. It means spending multiple days on airplanes and extra hours in cars.


And it means not being with my family on Christmas, or maybe even at all.


My husband's family (his parents and older sister) don't have many Christmas traditions. In fact, they don't even have a tree. And really, his sister doesn't technically believe in Christmas (that's a loooooong story, but she claims to celebrate Winter Solstice or Yule, though she always asked for Christmas presents... like I said, looooooong story). When we've been with my in-laws on Christmas Eve, my husband and I go to Mass alone. We've always invited the family to go with us, but they've always declined. Sometimes my mother-in-law would go to the Lutheran service, but more often she'd say she was going and then ultimately end up not going. My father-in-law refused to go to anything, and my sister-in-law would sometimes say she was going to services with my mother-in-law and then bail, and sometimes lecture everyone on the evils of organized religion (like I said, looooooong story). They have never said anything about us taking off around dinner time to go to Church, but I always felt weird leaving them for several hours while we attend Mass.


We stopped exchanging gifts a few years ago, largely because it had dissolved into getting gift cards for each other. I found it dumb to essentially exchange cash - here's $50 for Ikea compared to your $25 Borders gift card -and suggested we spend money on doing something together as a family. This actually went over pretty well when we instituted it. One year, my husband and I bought theatre tickets to Meet Me in St. Louis, while his parents bought massages for everyone and then his sister bought lunch after our massages. I thought this arrangement worked well. We did non-Christmasy things, but spent more time together as family than we would've otherwise.


My family (my parents, three sisters, two brothers-in-law, niece, nephew, and now youngest sister's fiance), on the other hand, have a lot of Christmas traditions. For starters, we always go to Mass on Christmas Eve. Attending Mass on Christmas Eve is incredibly important to me. Regardless of what else is on my mind, or how stressed I am leading up to Church, the moment I step into church on Christmas Eve, my mind is cleared. I focus on the the music, and the Nativity, and spending time with my family, and suddenly I'm overwhelmed by Christmas spirit.


We have other traditions too, involving looking at Christmas lights, eating particular food, and opening presents, and we recently added a gingerbread house building contest (except we use graham crackers, and they're not necessarily houses). I enjoy all these traditions, but moreso I love sharing them with my family.


Thus, for the last couple of years, we've spent both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family. In 2008, we went to his family's house for three days before Christmas and drove from his parents to my parents on Christmas Eve. Last year, we arrived on Christmas Eve and then left to see his family on the early morning of the 27th until the 29th. I enjoyed this arrangement a lot. We celebrated a more traditional Christmas with my family, but still spent quality time with his family. My husband agreed with me, which was important to making these arrangements. He enjoyed the Christmas celebration with my family, and appreciated the time we spent with his family.


And yet, somehow, his family doesn't seem to understand this.



Like I said, my husband understands my frustration completely and supports me on the decision to spend Christmas Day and sometimes Christmas Eve with my family, but can't seem to get his family to understand our choice. When he expressed our mutual concern about not being with my family at all on Christmas if we went on this trip, his parents got angry and complained that we hadn't spent Christmas with them in a few years. My husband pointed out that Christmas and Christmas traditions aren't that important to his parents (as evidenced by their eagerness to be on vacation over Christmas), but they argued that it was important that we spend time with them. My husband pointed out that we did spend time with them, and we tried to spend quality time with them, but they were more concerned that we spend Christmas Day with them than listening to my husband's reasons for why we couldn't do the trip the way they wanted to do it.


The conversation ended with my in-laws telling my husband that if we weren't going to go from the 23rd to the 26th, then we weren't going on the trip at all. To me, this made sense. It didn't work in our schedules, it was going to be ridiculously expensive, so why force it to happen? Unfortunately, it was meant to be a threat, as a way of forcing my husband and I to choose between his family and mine - as though if we didn't go on this trip, we weren't going to see his family at Christmas at all.



And that's why I'm angry.



His mom and sister were at my wedding shower, so I know they are aware of how important Christmas is to me. I shared my disappointment the first year they decided not to put up a Christmas tree. (They decided it was a pain, even though they left it up and completely decorated in the basement all year - just had to carry it upstairs at Christmas!) It's hurtful to me that they're trying to keep me from my family, and that they're forcing their three schedules on us instead of accommodating ours, especially because we're already traveling to see them. I'm upset that they don't want to acknowledge that we're trying to balance two families. But most of all, I feel like we're being manipulated, and that they're threatening to withold their love and attention in order to get what they want. And I'm angry that we're not allowed to make our own choice and do what we want to do, all because we don't want to hurt anybody else's feelings.



Really, I am sure this will all work out fine. We won't go on the trip, but we'll still see his family, and we'll be with my family on Christmas Day. I just hope that his family won't make my husband feel guilty for being with my family on Christmas.



Guilt is the opposite of Christmas Spirit.

ADHD, medication, and motherhood

This may be one of the most personal posts I'll ever write on this blog. I've been debating about whether to write it, but I feel like it's an issue that needs to be shared, and this is a forum to do it... even though my sisters will probably be the only ones who read it :) Still, it's an important issue that needs to be discussed, particularly by women.

I have ADHD. Legitimately. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and everything. I was prescribed medication, which was the reason I sought an official diagnosis in the first place. I really felt like I needed the medication in order to complete my doctoral studies, and I really wanted to do this, but the one hour I was in the psychiatrist's office brought up a host of issues I never considered before.

I was diagnosed with ADHD: Combined, which is both hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive. It's the jackpot of ADHD.

Hyperactivity in adults isn't necessarily the same as in children. For me, it's a need to be busy all the time, as well as a general feeling of agitation. Other people notice that I shake my foot constantly, and it gets worse the more agitated I get (like when I'm sitting in meetings for too long). As the incomparable Allie Brosh said in her blog, Hyperbole and a Half, "Hyperactivity is like being forcibly injected with way too much crack-cocaine and then being tied down to a table and made to watch a documentary about sea snails." That pretty much sums up how I feel when I'm sitting in a meeting or in class. I feel like I'm going to explode, and yet I can't go anywhere. And so I start shaking my foot, chomping on my gum, violently biting my nails, or pulling on my hair and pretty much distracting everyone around me. Or, if the people around me are lucky, the inattentiveness kicks in and I space out.

Inattentiveness is probably what you're thinking of - the inability to pay attention, focus, and listen. If something is not interesting to me, it's difficult to learn or stay focused enough to complete a task. The flip side, however, is hyperfocus in which ADHDers can focus intently on something that does interest them. Hyperfocus is a very real part of my life, and I can become fixated, almost obsessive, over projects and topics that interest me. This has served me well in my doctoral studies because I can immerse myself in topics I find interesting. Hyperfocus often appears to be intense concentration, which is awesome when tasks need to be accomplished. However, the flip side of hyperfocus is the inattentiveness and for me, once the hyperfocus is broken, the inattentiveness takes over completely. Simple things like checking email has completely destroyed my productivity because I either become overwhelmingly distracted or I become hyperfocused on a topic in the email.

I remember trying to explain this to a professor, who was upset that I didn't respond to her email for a few days. I was experiencing some amazing hyperfocus and was cranking through my work, so I wouldn't allow myself to check email for fear of breaking this amazing productivity. I was feeling proud of myself for getting so much work done, while my professor didn't understand why I just couldn't respond to her email. I tried to explain "being in the zone" and not wanting to disrupt this productivity with other tasks. Instead of listening to what I was saying, she tried to make me promise to check my email every day which I couldn't do.

Situations like these make me angry. I tried to explain hyperfocus to this professor, and tried to explain why I couldn't always behave the way she wanted me to, but I couldn't seem to get through to her. And to be fair, it wasn't just her - it's hard to explain what it's like to live with ADHD to someone who doesn't have it. (I think a lot of this has to do with misperceptions about ADHD that focus on energetic kids - not ADHD: Hyperactive type, but kids who eat too much sugar and are forced to sit still and not talk in a classroom. But that's another rant I'll touch on sometime.) But it's incredibly frustrating to have to explain to someone why I need to do things in a certain way and for that person to reject my reasons or worse, make me feel incompetent or stupid for not being able to do things the way she prefers.

I really wanted to do well in school and I tried to do things the way that others expected me to, which is what led me to seek medication. I knew the benefits from my time as a school social worker, and I knew that I would recommend it to myself if I was my social worker, so I made the appointment and prepared for the headaches associated with obtaining ADHD medications as an adult (it's a HUGE pain, brought on college students snorting Adderrall and the fact that it's a Schedule II narcotic, in addition to the idiots who don't believe adults can have ADHD). What I hadn't considered, however, was that my psychiatrist wouldn't prescribe me my medication without some assurance that I would use birth control.

There aren't any conclusive results with respect to ADHD medications and birth defects, but research on amphetamines and research on rats has shown relationships between ADHD medications and low birth weights, impaired bone development, mental impairments, and other birth defects. So generally speaking, medication = bad for pregnancy.

Therefore, when the psychiatrist told me that I had to use birth control, I honestly panicked. One, I'm Catholic and have been taught to believe that contraceptives are bad. However, I personally believe that's a bunch of hooey created by a group of celibate men who don't truly understand or appreciate sex, women, family life, or economic stress because they don't experience it at all or experience it in the same way. Regardless, I told the psychiatrist that I am Catholic, and she essentially belittled the Catholic beliefs about contraception, which I found offensive - not as a Catholic, but as a social worker who was trained NOT to impose my beliefs on my clients. I knew in that moment that even if I did take the medication, I was not going back to that particular psychiatrist.

Catholicism aside, taking medication for my ADHD meant that I had to give up, or at least postpone, having children. That fact smacked me in the face that day, and brought my priorities to the forefront. I felt like I was being asked to choose - career or motherhood.

I left the office that day with my prescription and had to do quite a bit of thinking. The first thing I did was math - if I took the medication, just to help me get through school, it would only be for a short time, and I could still have kids if I wanted. I'd be 33 or 34 and while that was older, it wasn't unheard of for having children. But then I thought some more, and I realized that if I earned my doctorate and became a faculty member, I'd probably need to continue taking medication in order to complete my research. Suddenly I was 40, and I was childless.

On the other hand, I never really saw myself as a mom. Children seemed like a lot of work, and I didn't think I was responsible enough to have them. Plus, I had a great life and a great relationship with my husband that I was afraid would change for the worse if I had children. I also watched as friends became parents and suddenly had nothing to talk about but their children and potty training, and I feared that I would become "Mommy" and cease to be "Me." I didn't want to lose Me - I liked Me.

When I first got married, I thought we'd have kids but my husband wasn't ready. In the meantime, my career and my career ambitions developed and suddenly kids didn't really have a place in my future plans. However, the idea of not having the choice to have children made me re-evaluate my priorities. Did I really not want to have kids? Would a PhD and a PhD career be enough?

I'm reaching the point where my inattention is taking over from my hyperfocus - or maybe because Harry Potter is on tv again and my hyperfocus is shifting and I have uber hyperfocus when it comes to Harry Potter - but I'm starting to lose my way on this post. I'll pick this up another time, but leave you with these final thoughts:

I'm thankful for the women who fought against discrimination in order to allow me to have this choice. I'm lucky to have all these options available to me - to have or not have a career, to have or not have kids, to take or not take birth control. But that doesn't make it easier.

Many people don't understand how truly difficult this decision is or even recognize why it is difficult. When I broached this issue with a few of the faculty, I was told that if I couldn't do school without medication and I decided not to take medication, perhaps I didn't belong in academia. When I've requested accommodations, I've been made to feel stupid. When I've talked to female faculty about the decision to have children, they often point out the other women who have had children and still been successful in the program. Of course, those women didn't have ADHD.

My experience with ADHD, and my experience of discrimination in academia as a result of my struggles with ADHD may explain why I loved my little hockey boy, and that job, so much. Maybe it's because I felt like I could help him in a way I couldn't help myself, but I think moreso it's because I wish I had someone like me in my corner as I navigated through each challenge.

Or maybe - Haha, pincers. Oh Harry...

Happy Anniversary, Charlotte!

Today marks our one year anniversary of living in Charlotte. When I think about where I was in my life a year ago compared to where I am now, I marvel at how much life has changed and how much I've personally changed.

There are geographic adjustments, of course, between Michigan and North Carolina. I fly a lot more now than I have in the past, simply because flying is necessary to visit most family and friends. I've visited places I'd never thought of visiting before, like Charleston, SC simply because it's convenient now. I find myself more concerned about hurricanes (though Charlotte is far from the ocean and hasn't been hit in more than 20 years) than snowstorms, and I've had to adjust my time line for seasonality of produce. When I shop for clothes, I invest in lightweight pants and short-sleeved shirts rather than heavy sweaters and sweatshirts. I found it necessary to invest in prescription sunglasses because I need to wear them year-round. These have been slight adjustments, but adjustments nonetheless.

Then there are actual changes I've made in my life. I exercise four to five times each week, and this is a major change for me. I exercised when I lived in Michigan, but it was inconsistent and always at the bottom of my priority list even though I wanted to do it more often. Here, I fit it into my day naturally. I started tennis lessons because it's fun, and because it's what the women do around here. I cook more often, though I admittedly use Dream Dinners to help me (I'm completely okay with that, and my husband does not care), and have greatly reduced the amount of junk that I eat. I've lost 30 pounds since moving to Charlotte which is the product of
the exercise and cooking, rather than a conscious effort to lose weight. My hair is lighter and my skin is darker from the sun, which is again natural and a product of being outside more often, and I generally look healthier than I did when I lived in Michigan.

My priorities have shifted. I've always considered my husband the primary breadwinner in our family, but I've also always considered myself a contributor to household income. I felt that because I also made money, my career was just as important as his. In the past, we've made moves in order to benefit my career and we've made moves to benefit my husband's career. After this move to Charlotte, I don't think I'd consider moving to another city to benefit my own career unless I was absolutely certain my husband was going to benefit too - as in, he also had a job opportunity that ensured greater professional and financial benefits in hand. I've always known he was smart and good at his job, but this year has shown me that he is truly remarkable at what he does, and he deserves every opportunity to develop professionally. I know, I know, I deserve the same opportunity. Except I don't. I'm good at what I do, but he is truly extraordinary. And frankly, I'll never make close to what he will and in these tough economic times, that is a very real and important factor.

Because of the realization, I've accepted more responsibility for the household tasks. I cook, I clean, and I launder (is that I word? If not, it should be and that should be the correct use for it). I'm not great at these tasks, and I doubt I ever will be. I still grumble as I do them, but I also never think "it's [husband]'s turn to do the dishes" as I unload the dishwasher. These jobs are just ways that I can contribute, and even though I feel like I'm not doing enough sometimes, I know my husband appreciates that he doesn't have to worry about them when he gets home from work.

And as I already learned, I'm happy. A year ago, if I had a crystal ball and saw what my life would be on September 15, 2010, I would've predicted I would be miserable because smart, independent, and career-driven women aren't supposed to be satisfied with life as a housewife. But I am, and it doesn't make me a less smart, independent, or career-driven woman - but perhaps now I'm a bit less selfish. I'm still trying to figure that out.

I sometimes wonder if I would've gotten to this point if we hadn't moved, and I really don't think I would have. My life would be different than it was a year ago regardless, but I'm not sure about how my priorities or my feelings or my body or my relationship with my husband would've changed, if at all. I've moved many times in my life, and I've always learned and changed as a result, but I think this is the first move in which I can say it's been nothing like I'd hoped but I wouldn't change a thing.

Happy Anniversary, Charlotte! Here's to many more!

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter

I confess - I'm obsessed with Harry Potter. It's not a surprise to anyone who has spent any time with me, but I feel I must confess it in order for anyone who hasn't met me to understand this blog.

I enjoy reading a lot and always have. I don't read for fun very often, and I definitely do not have sophisticated taste in books, but I love to immerse myself in a well-written story. That's what I love about Harry Potter. The books are written so well, and tell such an interesting and detailed story, that I easily become lost in the stories of the young wizard and his friends.

I also love how the books matured as Harry matured. The first book was absolutely a children's story, and each one became more sophisticated, nuanced, and mature as the main character and the assumed reader grew up. Instead of outgrowing the books, which happens with most series, the books grow with the reader, creating a fictional friend along for the ride to adulthood.

I think this is what attracted me to the series. A friend of mine, who does have sophisticated literary tastes, recommended the books to me. Her first story as a newspaper reporter was to cover the release of the fourth book, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. She read the first few books as research and thoroughly enjoyed them, and convinced me to read them too. I fell in love with them. I bought the first two and read them on the L around Chicago as I commuted between school, my social work internship, and my student affairs internship. I told myself I would wait to read the third and fourth books later. I think I lasted a week before I read the third book because I was so eager to know what happened. I just fell in love with this innocent, orphaned wizard who had been treated so poorly in the Muggle world, but who was so remarkable in the wizarding world.

By the time books five through seven came out, I was one of the people at Borders waiting for my book at midnight. In fact, I lived in the Eastern time zone for the last book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, so I was home with my book before they even went on sale for my sister in Iowa. I admit it, I felt a great deal of satisfaction at having my book first. I might be a little competitive. That's another blog.

The books became movies of course, and I love those as well. I'm particularly fascinated with the behind the scenes features that come on the special edition DVDs. I feel like those give great insight into the story being told which adds to my enjoyment and appreciation of the movie. Yes, I know I'm a dork.


Naturally, I love to share my obsession with others. I convinced my sister to read the books and she became obsessed too and my husband has read them too. However, I've been impatiently waiting to pass along this magical world to someone else and I finally had the opportunity last week when my nephew turned six.


I wasn't sure what the appropriate age was to start reading the Harry Potter books, but I did some research and found that age six is generally accepted as a good age to read aloud. I decided months ago that I was going to get my nephew the book to read aloud. Then I found out about the Harry Potter Lego video game. My nephew is obsessed with the Lego video games so I was pretty sure that he'd be interested in the Harry Potter one. Sure enough, a couple months before his birthday, he called me (well, my Harry Potter fan sister who was visiting him called me) and asked for the Harry Potter Lego Wii game for his birthday. I knew I could accommodate that request.

However, it was important to me that he be introduced to the book first and hopefully engage with the wizarding world in his imagination, not just in the video game. We read a few chapters before his birthday. I think it was difficult for him to process without any pictures to guide him, but he seemed to enjoy the story, especially when strange things happened that couldn't be explained rationally. I enjoyed asking him "How do you think Harry did that?" and waiting for him to whisper, "Magic" in response. We also drew our own pictures to help him visualize all the different scenes we read about, and that seemed to help as well. After a few days, he seemed to grasp the story more and was eager to find out what happened to Harry.

Reading is a fundamental skill that all kids need to learn and can therefore seem like a chore. I hope that by introducing my nephew to this amazing, magical world that he can visit whenever he wants, he'll develop a love and appreciation of books. It's a gift I was given as a child, and the one I hope to pass along to all the kids in my life.

Frequent Flyer

I am an impulsive person - or at least it seems that way. I'm actually not as impulsive as a I may seem to others. Really, I think about decisions a lot- almost obsessively - but I don't always vocalize my thoughts, and sometimes I'm not even fully aware that I've been tossing the idea around in my head. So I know that it often makes it look like I made an impulsive decision.

Take today, for example. I just booked a flight to Milwaukee and I'm leaving at 9:30am... tomorrow. My nephew's birthday is Thursday and I'm going to surprise him.

But really, I've been thinking about this for weeks. I wanted to visit, but flights are expensive. Plus, I didn't know if I would have a job, so I didn't want to make plans too early. Unfortunately, the closer to departure, the higher the price of the flight so it quickly became cost prohibitive and I didn't think I would be able to do it.

However, I do have frequent flyer miles.

A little known travel secret - sometimes it is possible to book last minute trips for a minimum number of frequent flyer miles, especially in the middle of the week. If the flight isn't full, airlines would rather fill the seats than leave them empty.

So I'd been tossing around the idea of visiting for a while, but didn't think it was possible. Then my husband told me he was going to be out of town in a couple of weeks, and I thought, "Hmm, maybe I can go somewhere too." I started looking at flights to Milwaukee but realized the timing of the trip probably wasn't great because my nephew would be starting school. That change in schedule would be disruptive enough in his life without my visit. So I started thinking about this week again.

Last night, my husband and I started planning some other trips so I was fooling around on the travel websites. I thought about this week again, and decided to check on flights using my miles. I was shocked to see that I could book a last minute roundtrip flight for the minimum number of miles and decided that was a good enough deal for me to go. So in less than 24 hours, I'll be in Milwaukee!

I'm very lucky to have these options available to me. I love having the freedom to just pick up and go, and I love having the resources to be able to do it. I try to be responsible with money so I'd never drop $1000+ on a last minute flight unless it was absolutely necessary. But I flew a lot last year and accumulated a lot of miles and I think a trip like this is a perfect excuse to use those miles. I wouldn't be able to do this if I wasn't a housewife.

I'm so excited to give my nephew his present in person and welcome him to the world of Harry Potter!

And this is why I don't have kids

Some of the commercials during the World Cup have been pretty good. Others, like the Hyundai commercials, have been a stretch. There's one commercial that gets at the idea of loyalty, and talks about how one family named their baby after an entire soccer team to show loyalty. It reminded me of the Nike commercial about destiny when they show Wayne Rooney scoring a goal for England, and then all the babies in the hospital being named Wayne.

In this vein, I asked my husband, "If we were to name our hypothetical baby after a soccer player, what would we name him or her?"

Without turning missing a beat, my husband replied, "Arjen." (That's Arjen Robben from the Netherlands for those who don't know).

Yep, that's why we don't have kids.