Shortly after I wrote this post singing the praises of Target, Target made the news for two not so great reasons - its donation to the a group backing a conservative gubernatorial candidate and the "college essentials" beer pong display. I immediately felt like I should discuss these issues on my blog, but wasn't exactly sure what to say. However, because today is Spirit Day, I feel like I should at least address the issue.
A couple of years ago, one of the professional associations I belong to booked a conference at a hotel and later found out that the owner of that hotel (a major chain, but independently owned) had made a campaign contribution to the group that supported Prop 8 in California. They wanted to move the conference in protest, but in doing so, would break the contract made with hotel and cost the group a lot of money. A major debate ensued, the subtext of the discussion being whether the professional association, and its elected leaders, represented the beliefs of its members.
My stance on political donations has always been that the story becomes what somebody wants it to be. I noticed this during the 2000 election, when I read a story about the largest corporate donors to the presidential candidates/political parties and noticed my boyfriend's company at the time was listed as donors to both. I could be angry that they had donated to the "wrong" campaign or political party, but realistically I understood why - it was business.
I don't fault companies for making decisions based on what makes the most sense from a business rather than a social perspective. Businesses are designed to make money and are fiscally responsible to their shareholders, so businesses support politicians that can help their businesses. I often wish that weren't true, but considering I invest money in the stock market and not in an envelope under my mattress, it would be hypocritical of me to suggest that business must change.
As the article about the Target donation states, Target donates to both political parties. Maybe it's true and maybe it isn't, but it's hard for me to imagine a big corporation like Target, with business interests across state lines, would put all its political eggs in one basket. Sadly, one donation was to a group supporting a politically-polarizing candidate, and I'm very sad that Target wasn't more careful with their donations. But I understand it.
The second reason - the beer pong displays - demonstrates Target's astute but insensitive marketing. Binge drinking and drinking games in college are huge problems in this country, and marketing beer pong supplies as an "essential" captures the image of beer pong and drinking as an important part of college life. It may be an accurage image, but that doesn't mean it should be marketed as such. Students die from alcohol-related incidents every year, and treating alcohol consumption so cavalierly sends the wrong message to current and future college students that beer pong is the norm. At the same time, it is a norm for a lot of college students so should Target be punished for capturing and capitalizing on that trend? It's a business.
I considered whether I should boycott Target and then asked myself - where would I shop otherwise? In fact, I found an article telling me where I should shop otherwise and burst out laughing. Sam's Club? Really? Aren't I supposed to boycott Walmart too? Oh, and Costco too - there's a whole list of reasons to boycott them. And wasn't I supposed to boycott Kmart too because of... something. I don't remember what - guns maybe? Discrimination against customers? Or maybe it was discrimination against employees? I'm not sure what it was, but I'm pretty sure there's a good reason why I'm boycotting them too. Heck, I'm even supposed to boycott Whole Foods, and they're generally seen as one of the good guys.
The reality is that we want our businesses to be socially conscious, and we want them to be socially conscious about our own ideals, but our own ideals often clash with the ideals of others. Gay marriage isn't allowed in most states - why? College students continue to binge drink despite the national attention on student deaths - why? To oversimplify the issue, people have different values. So do businesses. So do business owners.
I'm not happy with Target. I'm not happy with Walmart. But I'm really not happy being overcharged for toilet paper. In times like these, my practicality often overshadows my ideals. Call me weak-minded. Call me financially responsible.
Today is Spirit Day and I don't want to minimize the importance of remembering Tyler Clementi, the college student who committed suicide after his roommate outed him online, and the other five teenagers who killed themselves after being taunted for their sexuality. That is six people too many, and it doesn't begin to capture the depth of the issue.
We can argue that Target has a role in the homophobia and anti-GLBTQ environments - that the opposition to gay marriage by politicians who are being supported by Target's donations further perpetuates the idea that GLBTQ individuals are somehow second-class citizens who aren't deserving of equal rights, and that Target's actions are a contributing factor to these tragic suicides. If that's the case, by all means, boycott Target. But if we do that, shouldn't we look at the practices of every business we frequent and decide if their actions align with our values, if their actions perpetuate any injustice in the world and not simply jump on a latest political bandwagon? It's not easy to align all of our beliefs, thoughts, and actions. In my case, I suspect I'd have very few places to shop or eat. Maybe that's okay.
What I really don't want is to overshadow that broadcasting what happens in the privacy of a someone's own bedroom - whether gay or straight - without his consent is wrong. Shaming others for an aspect of their identity - whether sex, sexuality, race, religion, country of origin, hair color, or eye color - is wrong. Mocking others for their personal preferences - whether it's choice in music, books, television shows, or comic books; or playing or not playing sports, musical instruments, or video games - is wrong.
We don't just need to raise the awareness of anti-gay bullying. We need to raise the awareness of bullying. And we can't stop with awareness. We need to move toward prevention.
And much as their actions made me angry, I'm not convinced that boycotting Target is going to prevent a teen from committing suicide. Nor do I think that getting rid of beer pong kits will prevent binge drinking. But perhaps ensuring that that teen's privacy is respected might prevent suicide. Perhaps teaching others to respect differences, regardless of how uncomfortable or scared these differences make us, might prevent suicide. Or maybe changing the culture so that binge drinking or hate or homophobia or bullying isn't perceived as "the norm" or that suicide isn't viewed as the only solution to these problems might make a bigger difference. Maybe providing more mental health services, more crisis services, and more professionals trained to deal with these issues might make a bigger difference.
And then maybe, MAYBE, there won't be any financial OR voter support for polarizing political candidates.
Showing posts with label causes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label causes. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Talk, listen, act
Bullying has received a lot of attention in the news lately, and October is National Bully Prevention Month. This issue sickens me, and the fact that it has been a factor in suicides and suicide attempts makes me angry.
Bullying is generally talked about as a child and adolescent issue, but I see it in adulthood as well. I've watched parents bully other parents, parents bully their own children and others' children, and parents bully coaches, and coaches bully parents and players at sporting events. I've experienced bullying by a work supervisor, and I've seen co-workers bully each other in a quest to establish dominance or favoritism in the workplace. It's an issue that never goes away because it's an issue that we as a society still don't recognize and don't know how to address properly.
I was teased mercilessly in junior high. I was smart, I was a tomboy, and I never really fit in among my classmates. Even within my group of friends, I always felt like an outsider because I had very different interests - sports (swimming in particular) and playing the violin - and I dedicated a lot of my free time to participating in these activities. I was interested in boys, but not in changing myself or my appearance so boys would like me. I'm naturally shy, but I became more quiet and withdrawn as the bullying continued.
Bullying affects each person differently, but I became acutely aware of its affects when a friend of mine attempted suicide and another developed an eating disorder. I watched as my friends believed and internalized the messages sent by bullies, but we rarely talked about it. Instead, we tried to be tough in the face of bullies, changed ourselves so that others wouldn't pick on us, and generally hid the pain we felt.
I also remember being told numerous times by teachers that if we were being bullied that we should "tell someone." I also remember being told "don't be a tattletale." Kids receive this mixed message all the time, and don't have sophisticated reasoning skills to know the difference between tattling and seeking help. And frankly, telling someone often resulted in more teasing, more bullying, and in my case, more feelings of isolation. The people who were supposed to help me couldn't or wouldn't, and I often felt helpless and hopeless.
I divide my teachers from 5th through 8th grade into the teachers who couldn't help and the teachers who wouldn't help. The teachers who couldn't were often being bullied themselves - by parents, by administrators, and by the student bullies themselves. I attended a Catholic school and one the worst bullies was the son of the church's business manager. The son got in trouble sometimes, but he should've been expelled many times - like when he told my friend he was going to rape her. She told on him and he got detention - one afternoon cleaning erasers and washing chalkboards - and she was threatened with rape daily by multiple boys in our class from that day on. I was aware that his dad's authority kept him in school and he also knew he was untouchable.
Worse were the teachers who wouldn't help. These teachers seemed more interested in being liked or showing they were "in control" than teaching and helping. Even at 12 or 13, I recognized them as enablers of bullying and therefore bullies themselves. These teachers were the ones who would tell us not to tattle, who would reward the bullies with candy and other treats when they acted as a 7th or 8th grader should act, who sat the good kids and bullying victims next to the bullies in hopes that the good behavior would rub off on the bad kids. Instead, the victims were bullied mercilessly in the classroom too, a place that should've been safe.
I distinctly remember the day that I had enough, and it wasn't on a day I was being teased. We were in science class, and my classmates were acting like children. They were throwing things at me, at each other, across the room, and at the teacher, and jiggling their feet so that the floor shook and the glass display cases rattled. My science teacher had enough and walked out, and then my homeroom teacher (one of the enablers) entered and yelled at us and brought us back to our homeroom class. I apologized to our science teacher on the way out, and I distinctly remember her saying, "You don't need to apologize." At that moment I realized that I didn't need to apologize for my class and their behavior, and I didn't deserve to be yelled at and be punished for their behavior either. It was time I started doing something about it.
Our enabling teacher decided to hold an airing of the grievances instead of directly addressing the immature and inappropriate behavior. Classmate after classmate complained about our science teacher, claiming she was a bad teacher, that she wasn't as cool or understanding as our homeroom teacher, and that she had no control over our class.
And that was when I raised my hand, voice shaking and tears in my eyes and said, "I know I don't talk much, and that's usually because I get shouted over, but you need to hear me. It is not [our science teacher]'s fault that you can't control yourself. She didn't make you shake the floor. She didn't make you throw the paper. She shouldn't have to bribe us to behave. I have two little sisters at home, and if I want to hear whining, I can go home and listen to them, but even they know how to behave in a classroom. You owe [science teacher] an apology and you owe me an apology for having to deal with you. I can't wait to graduate and get out of this hell hole."
The class went silent.
A few minutes later, the whole school gathered in the gym for some assembly. I sat away from everyone because I was still shaking a little, but mostly because I didn't want to be bullied and teased for having the courage to stand up to them. My enabling teacher came up to me and said, "I think they heard you that time." And I don't where the sass or the courage came from, but I replied, "I hope you heard me too. I'm tired of all of this, and I'm not going to take it anymore."
My friends in the other class told me that my classmates were saying I snapped or I'd gone crazy, but nobody dared mess with me again. I ended my 8th grade year with a lot of bad memories, painful psychological scars, and very few friends, but I regained my voice and my strength. I wasn't scared somebody was going to throw things at me, tell me I was ugly or fat or a nerd, or grab my breasts and claim it was an accident. I wasn't going to let the teachers pretend they didn't see or hear these things either. I was going to hold everyone accountable for their actions. I would not be a victim.
Bullies thrive on a victim's silence. Just as a bully's words are powerful to the victim, the victim's words are also powerful. If you are a victim of bullying, tell someone. If that person dismisses you, tell someone else, and keep telling someone until somebody does something about it. Find someone who will be your voice until you can find your own, and be the voice for someone who needs it.
And adults and friends, talk about your own experiences with bullying. Talk with other parents and teachers about what is happening in the classroom. Talk to your kids about how to handle difficult situations. Tell them that you love them. And listen. Listen to what you are being told. Listen for what is NOT being said. Listen for the sadness. Listen to the pleas for help. Listen for the silence.
But most importantly, ACT. Stop the bullying.
Bullying is generally talked about as a child and adolescent issue, but I see it in adulthood as well. I've watched parents bully other parents, parents bully their own children and others' children, and parents bully coaches, and coaches bully parents and players at sporting events. I've experienced bullying by a work supervisor, and I've seen co-workers bully each other in a quest to establish dominance or favoritism in the workplace. It's an issue that never goes away because it's an issue that we as a society still don't recognize and don't know how to address properly.
I was teased mercilessly in junior high. I was smart, I was a tomboy, and I never really fit in among my classmates. Even within my group of friends, I always felt like an outsider because I had very different interests - sports (swimming in particular) and playing the violin - and I dedicated a lot of my free time to participating in these activities. I was interested in boys, but not in changing myself or my appearance so boys would like me. I'm naturally shy, but I became more quiet and withdrawn as the bullying continued.
Bullying affects each person differently, but I became acutely aware of its affects when a friend of mine attempted suicide and another developed an eating disorder. I watched as my friends believed and internalized the messages sent by bullies, but we rarely talked about it. Instead, we tried to be tough in the face of bullies, changed ourselves so that others wouldn't pick on us, and generally hid the pain we felt.
I also remember being told numerous times by teachers that if we were being bullied that we should "tell someone." I also remember being told "don't be a tattletale." Kids receive this mixed message all the time, and don't have sophisticated reasoning skills to know the difference between tattling and seeking help. And frankly, telling someone often resulted in more teasing, more bullying, and in my case, more feelings of isolation. The people who were supposed to help me couldn't or wouldn't, and I often felt helpless and hopeless.
I divide my teachers from 5th through 8th grade into the teachers who couldn't help and the teachers who wouldn't help. The teachers who couldn't were often being bullied themselves - by parents, by administrators, and by the student bullies themselves. I attended a Catholic school and one the worst bullies was the son of the church's business manager. The son got in trouble sometimes, but he should've been expelled many times - like when he told my friend he was going to rape her. She told on him and he got detention - one afternoon cleaning erasers and washing chalkboards - and she was threatened with rape daily by multiple boys in our class from that day on. I was aware that his dad's authority kept him in school and he also knew he was untouchable.
Worse were the teachers who wouldn't help. These teachers seemed more interested in being liked or showing they were "in control" than teaching and helping. Even at 12 or 13, I recognized them as enablers of bullying and therefore bullies themselves. These teachers were the ones who would tell us not to tattle, who would reward the bullies with candy and other treats when they acted as a 7th or 8th grader should act, who sat the good kids and bullying victims next to the bullies in hopes that the good behavior would rub off on the bad kids. Instead, the victims were bullied mercilessly in the classroom too, a place that should've been safe.
I distinctly remember the day that I had enough, and it wasn't on a day I was being teased. We were in science class, and my classmates were acting like children. They were throwing things at me, at each other, across the room, and at the teacher, and jiggling their feet so that the floor shook and the glass display cases rattled. My science teacher had enough and walked out, and then my homeroom teacher (one of the enablers) entered and yelled at us and brought us back to our homeroom class. I apologized to our science teacher on the way out, and I distinctly remember her saying, "You don't need to apologize." At that moment I realized that I didn't need to apologize for my class and their behavior, and I didn't deserve to be yelled at and be punished for their behavior either. It was time I started doing something about it.
Our enabling teacher decided to hold an airing of the grievances instead of directly addressing the immature and inappropriate behavior. Classmate after classmate complained about our science teacher, claiming she was a bad teacher, that she wasn't as cool or understanding as our homeroom teacher, and that she had no control over our class.
And that was when I raised my hand, voice shaking and tears in my eyes and said, "I know I don't talk much, and that's usually because I get shouted over, but you need to hear me. It is not [our science teacher]'s fault that you can't control yourself. She didn't make you shake the floor. She didn't make you throw the paper. She shouldn't have to bribe us to behave. I have two little sisters at home, and if I want to hear whining, I can go home and listen to them, but even they know how to behave in a classroom. You owe [science teacher] an apology and you owe me an apology for having to deal with you. I can't wait to graduate and get out of this hell hole."
The class went silent.
A few minutes later, the whole school gathered in the gym for some assembly. I sat away from everyone because I was still shaking a little, but mostly because I didn't want to be bullied and teased for having the courage to stand up to them. My enabling teacher came up to me and said, "I think they heard you that time." And I don't where the sass or the courage came from, but I replied, "I hope you heard me too. I'm tired of all of this, and I'm not going to take it anymore."
My friends in the other class told me that my classmates were saying I snapped or I'd gone crazy, but nobody dared mess with me again. I ended my 8th grade year with a lot of bad memories, painful psychological scars, and very few friends, but I regained my voice and my strength. I wasn't scared somebody was going to throw things at me, tell me I was ugly or fat or a nerd, or grab my breasts and claim it was an accident. I wasn't going to let the teachers pretend they didn't see or hear these things either. I was going to hold everyone accountable for their actions. I would not be a victim.
Bullies thrive on a victim's silence. Just as a bully's words are powerful to the victim, the victim's words are also powerful. If you are a victim of bullying, tell someone. If that person dismisses you, tell someone else, and keep telling someone until somebody does something about it. Find someone who will be your voice until you can find your own, and be the voice for someone who needs it.
And adults and friends, talk about your own experiences with bullying. Talk with other parents and teachers about what is happening in the classroom. Talk to your kids about how to handle difficult situations. Tell them that you love them. And listen. Listen to what you are being told. Listen for what is NOT being said. Listen for the sadness. Listen to the pleas for help. Listen for the silence.
But most importantly, ACT. Stop the bullying.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Public service announcement
A few weeks ago, I represented my alma mater at a college fair. I just started doing it this year, and have only done a couple of fairs, but I really enjoy talking to students and parents about what my university has to offer, but also going through the college application process in general.
The phrase I heard most often during this college fair, aside from "Does your school offer [major - usually nursing or engineering]?" was "My son/daughter isn't going out of state."
Now, North Carolina is a big state. It's not Texas or California, but it's a good 7 hours East to West. The school at the table next to me was from the Western part of Carolina, and he said it was a four hour drive from the college fair location. However, one of the Virginia schools was only two hour drive from the college fair location. My point is that for the parents who want to keep the kids close to home, sometimes out of state is closer.
I know that distance from home wasn't the only reason I heard that parents were hoping to keep their kids in-state. No, these parents limited their kids' college choice based on two magical words: in-state tuition.
North Carolina is lucky to have many state school options, but it also has some amazing private schools as well (e.g., Duke, Wake Forest). And many of these schools have significant resources to provide scholarships and grants that make even expensive, private colleges affordable.
Parents, before you limit your children's college choices based on what you think you know about college and college costs, educate yourself. There are a lot of great resources available, but for the purposes of financial aid, I recommend FAFSA4caster. It provides an early estimate of federal financial aid eligibility and simplifies the actual application for federal aid. Most importantly, it gives you a tangible number so that you can have a real, informed discussion with your child, the admissions representative, and the financial aid office.
The phrase I heard most often during this college fair, aside from "Does your school offer [major - usually nursing or engineering]?" was "My son/daughter isn't going out of state."
Now, North Carolina is a big state. It's not Texas or California, but it's a good 7 hours East to West. The school at the table next to me was from the Western part of Carolina, and he said it was a four hour drive from the college fair location. However, one of the Virginia schools was only two hour drive from the college fair location. My point is that for the parents who want to keep the kids close to home, sometimes out of state is closer.
I know that distance from home wasn't the only reason I heard that parents were hoping to keep their kids in-state. No, these parents limited their kids' college choice based on two magical words: in-state tuition.
North Carolina is lucky to have many state school options, but it also has some amazing private schools as well (e.g., Duke, Wake Forest). And many of these schools have significant resources to provide scholarships and grants that make even expensive, private colleges affordable.
Parents, before you limit your children's college choices based on what you think you know about college and college costs, educate yourself. There are a lot of great resources available, but for the purposes of financial aid, I recommend FAFSA4caster. It provides an early estimate of federal financial aid eligibility and simplifies the actual application for federal aid. Most importantly, it gives you a tangible number so that you can have a real, informed discussion with your child, the admissions representative, and the financial aid office.
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