I hate Valentine's Day

I have long hated Valentine's Day. It's not because I believe it's a Hallmark holiday. It's not because I'm single and don't have anybody to share the day with. I just

I don't remember many Valentine's Days before junior high, but I distinctly remember eighth grade. We had a Valentine's party during school - yes, just like the first graders do. We made card boxes so we could pass out those cheap valentines, and my teacher made a rule that we either pass them out to everyone in the class or pass the out to, in my case, just the girls. I suggested we forego valentines and a party done by our room mother and just watch a movie or have free time in the gym, to which my teacher told the class "[RHoC] doesn't want any valentines so you can give them to everybody but her."

Of course, that's not exactly what I said, and certainly not what I meant. But my teacher was a bully, and she wanted to punish me for challenging the status quo, so I shot back, "That's fine with me. I won't be giving them either, and I'll skip the party." And I held true to what I said. I didn't make a box. I didn't participate in the games. I didn't do the craft. I did my algebra homework instead and then read a book. I still got a few valentines, and I thanked the people who gave them to me, but otherwise I refused to acknowledge that it was Valentine's Day.

That same year, Valentine's Day fell on a Friday and we had a school dance. We were allowed to invite people from other schools, and one of my friends brought a boy from her former school. He developed a crush on one of our other friends, which led to them kissing on the dance floor, and me consoling the first friend in the bathroom for an hour. The second friend didn't think she had done anything wrong because she hadn't pursued the boy, and my two friends never reconciled. I remember thinking that one friend had just had the greatest Valentine's Day of her life, and the other one had the worst of her life, and that's just the way Valentine's Day worked. Not everyone has someone on Valentine's Day.

And for the record, the boy wasn't even cute. At all.

Valentine's Day just got worse in high school because it was a constant reminder of who had a special someone and who didn't. I attended an all-girls school for two years of high school, and it was tradition for boyfriends to send flowers and gifts to the school. My first year, girls were called down to the office all day to retrieve their tokens of affection and flaunt the fact that they had boyfriends. The jealousy from the other girls was palpable. Yes, Singles Awareness Day was alive and well in my high school. The second year, the school saved all the gifts until the end of the day so the single gals didn't have to be reminded of their singleness throughout the day, just when they walked by the office on the way home.

The reminders of having a special someone wasn't exclusive to boyfriends and girlfriends, however. I also had flower sales and candygrams to remind me of how many friends loved me too. Because that's the BS that Valentine's Day lovers try to sell - that Valentine's Day is about love in general, and that includes your friends and your family too. So my schools would sell different color roses or carnations - red for love, yellow for friend, and white or pink for secret admirer - and we'd carry those around all day as a status symbol. Really, who thought this was a good idea in high school? It was completely Singles Awareness Day - those who had a boyfriend or girlfriend carried a red flower and nobody else did - but it was also Popularity Awareness Day too. The popular kids had multiple yellow flowers to represent all their friends, while the outcasts had a couple or none at all. Those damn flowers were the equivalent of "Kick Me" signs, and yet another reminder that not everyone has someone on Valentine's Day.

I've had a romantic someone on Valentine's Day for the last fifteen years, but that hasn't translated to liking the holiday. My school experiences definitely shaped my perspective, but my opinion on the holiday also has to do with my expectations for romance. I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I'm a princess. My princess tendencies don't come across in my everyday life, but they certainly do in my romantic relationships. I expect to be put on a pedastal, and expect to be treated like I am the best girlfriend/wife ever, and I expect to be wooed daily. And while these princess tendencies appear to lend themselves to Valentine's Day, they actually directly contrast this day. Why? Because it's too easy.

Think about it: Valentine's Day is designed for idiot men to get romance right. Every store is advertising some sort of appropriate Valentine's Day gift. All the restaurants feature romantic Valentine's Day menus. Flowers are foolproof. Even blogs and magazines give ideas for perfect Valentine's Day presents. It's just too easy and really requires very little effort - buy flowers, buy chocolate, make reservation, etc. It's prescribed and tired. And as a princess, prescribed and tired is unacceptable.

I'm lucky because my husband spoils me daily. We go out to eat often, and we still "date" a few times each week. And if I really want to buy something special, my husband will get it for me or I'll just buy it for myself. I'm far too practical to take advantage of that fact, but I know it's true. I don't need a special day to express my love for my husband or to feel loved by my husband. We are intentional about expressing our love for each other - through words or actions - and I feel it every single day.

My practicality is another reason why I dislike Valentine's Day: Flowers don't cost as much as they do on Valentine's Day. Neither does that box of chocolates. Or that prix fixe menu. Every store and restaurant is taking advantage of the poor schlubs who are only romantic one day of the year and are therefore pressured to be romantic on this one day of the year that they're willing to pay $60 for flowers that only cost $19.99 the rest of the year. It's insane, and I refuse to be part of it.

I prefer my way: Take Valentine's Day off. I have no expectations of my husband on this day so he can't fail to deliver, but the other 364 days of the year, he is required to treat me like the princess that I am and he never fails. He gets to be romantic in his own way without some unrealistic expectations brought on by some "love holiday," and I get to feel loved and adored every single day! Oh sure, we've done things on Valentine's Day or said it was for Valentine's Day, but really, we'd do it anyway. For example, last weekend we took a road trip to DC to see our alma mater play basketball and said it was for Valentine's Day. Really, if it had been January 14th, we would've done it anyway. Calling it a Valentine's Day trip helps others understand and categorize us.

I'm also very aware that there are many people who don't have a Valentine, and much like my relationship with my husband, I don't like to wait for some prescribed holiday to make sure that these people feel loved. As much as some try to incorporate friends and family into Valentine's Day, I think the day is really Singles Awareness Day for a lot of single adolescents and adults. The love of a friend is not the same as the love of a partner, and it feels patronizing to associate friendship and family with Valentine's Day. I'm the same friend on February 13th as I am on February 14th so drawing attention to our relationship on Valentine's Day is counterproductive. And because I'm the same friend, I think it's important for me to acknowledge that my friend who wishes she had a boyfriend on February 11th may feel sad that she doesn't have one on February 14th and giving her extra attention isn't going to change that- as though me loving her makes up for the fact that she doesn't have a boyfriend. I'm just that fabulous! Right. I love my family, but it's not the same as the love I have for my husband. Sorry family. 

So I'm going to have a Monday, and you can have whatever day you want. Just please don't shove your love down my throat, unless you're prepared to do it every other day as well.

Happy Anniversary

December is a favorite month for one obvious reason - CHRISTMAS! But December is also special because of my husband's birthday and also because we started dating in December - fourteen years ago today.

We met in September and quickly became friends, but it wasn't until December that we finally started dating - during finals week of our first semester of college. Great timing, right? It sure made finals memorable - in a good way!

Though I share personal thoughts on this blog, my memories of that day and my feelings as I reflect on that day feel incredibly private, so I'm not going to share any of those thoughts today. Sorry. But I will say this - I am incredibly lucky. I have a wonderful, supportive, doting man who has been by my side for fourteen years, who has loved me despite and because of my flaws, who treats me like a princess every day, and who I love very much.

Happy Anniversary, sweetie!

Love role models

We had more drama unfold yesterday with respect to our Christmas plans. There's nothing I can do about it, so I'm choosing to let it unfold how it will and trying to stay out of it. However, the drama got me thinking about marriage and relationships and how we learn to love.

I had good role models for relationships. They weren't perfect by any means, and as I became an adult I learned how imperfect they really were, but from my child and adolescent perspective I witnessed good examples of how to love and be in love. I learned about support, devotion, forgiveness, romance, sacrifice, laughter, affection, and commitment. I also learned the importance of partnerships and of continuing to date my husband after marriage. Most of all, I learned to never take love for granted  and to continually work on my relationship and my marriage.

I feel incredibly lucky that when the time was right for me to fall in love, I knew how to love and was capable of loving someone. I certainly wasn't perfect and I'm still not, but I knew how to open my heart to someone else, become vulnerable, and give myself to another person. I learned that from watching my parents and grandparents, and from being loved by my friends and my family.

Our most recent drama serves as a reminder to me that not everyone knows how to love unconditionally, and that being married for a long time doesn't always translate into being in love or knowing how to love. I hope that my husband and I can serve as love role models for our friends and family. Perhaps we can start with a couple who should've been role models for us.